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BLOG - Relationship Skills - Active Listening
Listening is a very active awareness of the coming together of at least two lives.
Listening, as far as I'm concerned, is certainly a prerequisite of love.
One of the most essential ways of saying, 'I love you' is being a receptive listener. Fred Rogers
Active listening is important because it keeps us positively engaged with each other. Whether the 'other' is a partner, a child, a family member, a social or work situations.
What is Active Listening?
Active listening - as the name suggests, means that you are taking an active role in the communication process.
Active listening requires the listener to not only listen, but to also seek to understand the meaning and the intent that the speaker is trying to convey.
Active Listening Techniques
Stop
When we begin to practice active listening, we need to:
STOP what we are doing. and calm our own minds down in order to be present in the moment for the speaker. Our minds are usually so busy all the time; thinking, planning, remembering, telling stories, worrying.
Remember to Breathe
Rarely are we able to be fully present in the moment to listen. It can be really helpful to do some slow breathing so that we slow our own minds down.
Presence
Recall a time, you felt really heard by someone. When you recall that time, what was happening? What was the listener doing? Chances are, you felt like you were the only thing that mattered, and that the person was really fascinated by what you had to say. This is called presence. We put aside everything else for the person in front of us. We show that we are interested in what is being said. We do this by making eye contact, and being fully focussed on the speaker.
Ask Open Questions
Start with, What or How, when asking a question. Those two words usually invite more information. This is when we need to take care with our tone of voice. Voice tone conveys a lot. Bring kindness to mind when speaking, and recall that time you felt held and heard.
Don't ask too many questions though one after the other, as that can have the give the person the feeling like they are being interrogated. When the person has shared then it's time to...
Reflect back - be a mirror.
In the role as active listener the purpose is to listen and not talk. And then, when there is a pause, we can reflect back to the person what they have said to us. This is called a mirroring technique and it's purpose is to show the person that we've heard what they have said.
Mirroring, in addition to helping the speaker to feel heard, also helps them to clarify things in their own minds. You might start with, "I heard you say _ _ _ _ _ _", and you can even ask how that made them feel. It is a very powerful technique, that helps people to open up.
RESIST
What we want to resist - butting in while the other person is talking. Jumping in to tell your own version of the story. Or a story you have like the one they are telling. We want to resist offering advice, and judging the other person. And resist, finishing the other person's sentence for them.
Active listening is a skill set and it can be learned. I recommend you attend a workshop with us, or have a session with me to practice. It isn't easy at first to practice, it takes patience with yourself and the person speaking. Unless we've had it modelled at home. It takes attention, and a willingness to set our own issues aside. However, it's incredibly valuable and a wonderful gift to be able to give people in our lives.
Video: Active Listening Katie Owens at Tedx Talks
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